Old So What

  The temperature was about 102 degrees, really no kidding. As I walked in, melting as I went and actually feeling ill by way of both the heat and the humidity, the clerk asked me how I was. I replied: “How do I look? That’s how I am.” He said nothing at that point.   Smart man. However, when I left, he ran ahead to open the door for me.   Good job!

  My husband once said: “You are the only one I know who could get chocolate on their underwear!"

  Delivery services always deliver what you want most… last.

  You know that you’re old when… o   you start having difficulty cutting toast. o   people who are older than you…are now dead. o   you keep misplacing your cane.

  When it comes to disgusting TV commercials, BUT the all-body deodorant ads have supplanted everything else!   Yikes! Actors with screen size shots of their armpits, and spraying their nether regions by putting the product down their pants. Help, I’ve died and gone to the hell of bad taste! I don’t want to see your armpits, or bask in the splendor  of whatever you have that should be covered up. Spare me, please. Spray on your own time, in your own space.   I don’t need a demonstration.   I get the idea.   Keep your graphics to yourself! And I’m not so sure that all that spraying and rolling-on of deodorant product is so good for you. Try washing, and a discreet limiting of deodorant to the parts of your body that you know for sure from actual experience tend to smell without help from a deodorizing product. Think for yourself.

  Maybe you haven’t heard of it because it hasn’t been advertised…a lot. Because of the cost.   It’s just too costly.   It’s a good book. Short and to the point. It’s a book with humor and just a touch of occasional pathos. Or you could call it life with all its slices. I still think it’s funny and it still makes me l augh and I wrote it! You can get it (the book, that is) in various forms from Amazon. (One of my favorite places to shop!) My book was edited by my talented cousin. It’s a quick read, actually is called, “A Quick Read.   Short-short Stories” Perfect as a gift. Perfect to read at the doctor’s office or anytime you’re stuck waiting. It contains no questionable language. And I think the on-line version is really inexpensive. So go for it…I would appreciate it very much! Readers of this blog should stick together.

but when you make yourself laugh, is when you know for sure you’re funny. 

  Taking out the garbage and recyclables! I am not kidding. I’s a big production.   It’s downright scary if you think about it. First, I pray that I won’t fall down. Next, I wait till there is enough light outside. Then, I put my cell phone and its carry purse around my neck, so should something actually occur I can call my cousin (to come and gather me off the pavement). Then, I set out slowly, aware of my surroundings. I use a lightweight walker for this that has a life of its own and tries to speed up at the end of my slightly slanted driveway. Sometimes this turns into a social event with people on the sidewalk, at the end of the driveway, with dog leashes, or children’s little hands in their hands. But usually not, unfortunately. I’m always glad when this is a fait accompli! Then, later, I have to strategize the trip back. It would almost be worth getting re-married so I would have a good solution to this.

  A long time ago, I had a niece with a car.   It was dark blue, a very nice model… But it got old as cars do. It could only run for a short period of time before it stopped dead. Now my niece had a trade in lined up with the car dealer.   Not wishing to miss this opportunity, she had the car towed to the hill just behind the car dealer, released the brake, and let gravity take its course. At this point only steering and the brake were required. Down the hill the blue car flew. The car dealer got in, and off the blue car zoomed for a very brief, but satisfying trip of a couple of feet to the show room. This was my niece with a face of an angel, and her brief criminal career.  

  before we bought everything on-line (as we do now). On one of the most sweltering days of the year… My mom-in-law, my husband and I set out to buy a new car. It was not one of our better ideas. We went to a lot of new car dealers, and wore ourselves out. We were dripping with sweat and generally just frazzled. My husband sat in the front seat of what we hoped was our last stop. And, my mother-in-law and I climbed into the back seat. Suddenly the salesman blurted out, “I know just what you need.” And he reached from outside, down into the car… and turned on the radio.

  Perfume, freshly cut grass, just baked cookies? I think BACON tops them all, doesn’t it? (With apologies to all with dietary restrictions who can’t eat it.) You can just have eaten BACON, left the room, come back later, savored the BACON scent once more, and then still want more BACON!    

  I had a brilliant idea the other day. But you’ll never see it. Why… Because I didn’t write it down, and forgot it. This has happened annoyingly often to me. That’s why I urge you to keep pen and paper near by both during the day and at night. Don’t lose those pearls of your wisdom.

  “You’re killing her.   She’ll get Diabetes…” How did this happen?   I don’t know. I was feeding her as usual.   But something went terribly wrong. Unexpectedly she blew up to monster size.   Gone was that scrawny little creature for whom I had felt so sorry; now, there was this mighty overnight presence. (She was so big that you could almost envision her getting her own food.) I’m killing her, I thought.   I’m killing this little huge creature.   I felt different.   I looked different, like an axe murderer? The whole veterinary office was looking at us as we exited, whispering behind our backs, I was sure. “You have to lose weight,” I said to her at breakfast next morning.    She looked at me solemnly.   She knew I wasn’t saying anything good.   There were no words of food mentioned. “It would help if you’d stop eating your sister’s food as well as your own, and no more 10 AM treats, no more 1 AM treats. ...

  No! What seems to be growth is actually a comparison:   As we age our cheeks and lips lose volume and make everything else look larger. And the fact that gravity makes our noses and ears sag adds to the overall aging effect. But, so what?!   (Unless you’re thinking of entering a beautiful Ears and Nose Contest.)

  If you haven't viewed the movie, “Moonstruck,” it may be because you’re too young to have seen it when it arrived in 1987, because this was a BIG, BIG Movie.   If you travel back to that time, you’ll notice there are no cell phones. Time has stood still in a very good place.   But this is a movie bursting with good things!   Great things, including the director, Norman Jewison. It’s-A-Feel-Good and Leave-The-Theater with a Smile-On-Your-Face Celebration! The cast is topped off with:   Cher, Nicolas Cage, Olympia Dukakis, John Mahoney, Danny Aiello and Vincent Gardenia.   Everyone in this production is la crème de la crème. Described as a “Romance/Comedy,” it’s more like a slice of America at a poignant moment, an America very proud of its family traditions and ties to each other.   It gives us just another reason to appreciate our country. Here is a movie as they used to make movies. Alongside the main plot are other stories, and other char...

  About 36,000,000 older adults fall every year. Well, this didn’t just happen. And I think that the brain tries to eliminate the memory of pain, but to be honest, it actually wasn’t as painful as I would have expected. Now having said that… After I fell down the cellar steps, not because something in my body snapped or through lack of calcium, but simply because I reached for a banister that wasn’t as long as I thought, and I had at the time lost my sense of balance due to dehydration. I laid there thinking that I hope I could get up again quickly so I could forget the whole unfortunate event.   But no such luck because any movement on my part led to an unexpected sharp pain. I looked up and saw this spider looking back from near the stairs, surveying the scene and looking as if it was considering the possibilities. Before it got too far into its plans, I decided to get up. I couldn’t.   So, sitting up was the next option. No one was coming back to my house for...

  When I last saw the travelog, it cost $1,800 for one night in a 5-star hotel on the Gulf. I don’t recall everything included in that. Something in the range of many pairs of slippers in the bedroom and living room (Why so many I don’t know); breakfast in the room (Although the commentator reported everything was cold because they didn’t include lids on the platters. Maybe that costs extra.) Also included were luxury bath products; complimentary juices and bottles of champagne; beautiful views; a comfortable bed with enormous pillows; access to indulgent swimming pools (including an infinity); access to a beach made in heaven; fine carpets and gold-colored trash bins. There was a butler in there somewhere, though I never saw him. Well, that’s the idea. Actually, it seemed a little boring and bland, a let-down There didn’t seem to be much imagination employed here, no surprises, but that could just be me.   Still for that money I would have enjoyed the option of the room det...

  In the Middle of a Colored Light Show on a Castle Rooftop in Poitiers, France in 1969… My family and I popped up out of the darkness, being that we had missed the start of the show by a few minutes, and we were sort of now the show. As we tried to back away from our embarrassment, we bumped right into a monument honoring the death of Leonardo Di Vinci, only they called him L é onard. Fast forward to 2023, while watching a murder mystery, filmed on French TV, another castle rooftop popped up this time in Amboise, France. Another monument to Leonardo.   I get it, it’s the French version of the joke:   Washington Slept Here.

  I had my mother-in-Law with me by the hand; we were by ourselves; we were up to no good. My husband always claimed that he couldn’t take us anywhere; we were an embarrassment.  We laughed at all the wrong times: weddings and funerals were our specialties. That day, mom and I were headed for Lit’s Department Store and the best tasting, but bad as could be for your teeth, peanut brittle in a can.   It must have been before 1977 because that’s when Lit’s closed their doors for good. We took a short cut behind an historic building in Philadelphia, named Congress Hall. There was a back entrance to the building, I don’t recall if there was a single or double door.   Not that it really matters except that out of this door (or somewhere near it, I didn’t see this part) around 12 Noon came Queen Elizabeth II all by herself.   You can’t make this stuff up. No MI-5, MI-6, palace guards or whoever is supposed to be with the Queen to protect her.   No one, just ...

  Every time he shows up, he trips over the cat. (I suspect the cat is starting to see the humor in this.) The cat weighs 28 lbs. and there’s a lot of her to walk around. He has left a lot of chores half done, a lot of jobs up in the air.  The Repairman, not the cat.  At last count, there is still some junk in the basement, from the previous owner, last occupying the house forty years ago, that he still has not carted out through the cellar door.   There are floorboards in the hall that poke up just enough to catch my shoe every time I pass them.   And the doorknob on the master bedroom door keeps falling off. (Although he has worked on it several times through the years.) He did unclog the sink, and a good job he did, too.   And he unstuck the bedroom storm window just in time for the change of seasons. He repaired the carpeted wooden window seat for my fur babies, but not before it fell off and broke my middle toe.   I’m not kidding because...